I've been writing this post in my head for the last two days but it never seems to sound right so I thought I would sit down and try typing to see if that worked any better. I can already tell it's not but I really need to write something...
I began 2012 with high hopes for a lot of things but mostly weight loss. I was only 17kg away from something I hadn't had for a long time; A number on the scale that meant I was in the 'healthy' weight range. It seemed so close, so achievable. I had lost 27kg the year before so 17 seemed like a doddle. But there is a marked difference between the speed at which you can lose weight at 122kg than 95kg. This is not necessarily a bad thing... If you are in the whole weight loss caper for the long-term it should just form part of the journey.
But something inside of my head shifted
I went from the happy, laid back person that would eat what they wanted (in moderation) and was satisfied as long as the general weight loss trend was downwards, to a crazed lunatic chasing a stupid number. 77kg had become the be-all and end-all.
On NYE I spent the evening drinking and eating without a worry - I lost weight. At the end of January I did my triathlon and spent the rest of the weekend eating all my favourite foods in Melbourne - I came home and I had lost weight.
If someone could tell me what happened in February, I would be all ears. Maybe I decided the numbers weren't falling fast enough or maybe, after three years playing at his whole 'losing' game I just wanted to reach the my goal and settle into maintenance.
Who knows?
What I do know is that I began to cut out my favourite foods... Things that hadn't previously bothered me. Pizza was the first to go, then jelly babies and chocolate, baked goods, chips... All the very best that food had to offer. My consumption of these foods hadn't even been huge to start with! Because I had always known that if I wanted them I could have them I really only ate them when I really felt like it.
Now that they were gone, I wanted them like an insomniac wants sleep... I found myself eating huge amounts of 'healthier' foods in an uncontrollable manner to make up for the feelings of deprivation I had from restircting those 'unhealthy' foods. This caused me to panic, convinced that the number on the scales would go up because of the bingeing and I would have to admit I was back-pedalling! So I dealt with it the only way I thought I could and I started exercising to make up for it. It became excessive and all of the happy, joyful feelings I had been getting from exercise became hateful and malicious. But the fear of gaining was three-fold so I kept pushing and pushing with a growing anger and bitterness.
I knew that this was neither healthy, nor working... My weight loss was slower than ever, I was always tired and I wasn't a happy person by any stretch of the imagination. Other bad habits from my past started creeping back in. I've never gotten into it on the blog but I had a long, awful struggle with alcohol that I had finally put behind me. When those familiar feelings and situations started to creep back in, I knew I had to do something.
This is how I found myself doing my 'March Challenge'. I basically gave up the alcohol, the excessive exercising and the scales. It helped my mind frame for sure. But I was still eating the same; restricting the foods I enjoyed and over-eating other things because I was feeling deprived. I started to panic (again) towards the end of March because I knew the scales were going to make a re-appearance and I cut back even more foods. The over-eating reduced a lot too, mostly out of scale fear but March still ended with a very poor weigh in.
In April I discovered that chocolate was no longer able to be kept in the house without it disappearing in the blink of an eye.
My sister-in-law began to get serious about losing the baby weight and suddenly I was in danger of no longer weighing less than her, something I had grown to love. Now I was feeling increased competition from her.
And in April, my weight barely moved.
I read Nancy Clark's Sports Nutrition Guide Book and I learnt a lot... Too much... I thought that my new found knowledge contained all the answer I needed to get me back on track, even though my gut instinct was that it wasn't right for me. Her information was all valuable but not if it's used in the wrong way...
So I am here to admit that the first four weeks of the Finally Fit the Jeans Plan have sucked... In every.single.way...
I have been tired, I have been bloated, I have been depressed...
My legs are shattered.
My weight has been up more than it's been down.
Food and cravings have been on my mind constantly even though I have been eating more calories than ever before.
Not only am I unable to keep any of the 'traditional' diet danger foods in the house, new and strange things have been outlawed too... Cereal!? Bread?!
You might have noticed that I mentioned that the first four weeks on the FFJ plan sucked but I am in week 5... What's so different about this week?
I have been doing the same exercise program...
I have been tracking calories...
I still have my eyes on those jeans...
BUT
I have been eating what I want and when I want... I have said 'screw you' to making sure I get certain food groups in each meal and I have been eating when I am hungry rather than when the schedule tells me to.
Magically I am less hungry, my cravings have reduced immensely, the bloating has gone, I am smiling again.
I am still tracking but because I no longer cram in great amounts of food to meet a certain number of calories per meal and because I know I am allowed to eat chips or chocolate or cookies if I want them, I no longer find myself standing in front of the pantry cramming down all kinds of weird and wonderful foods to quieten the feelings of deprivation.
Since my woeful weigh in on Friday I have eaten/drank - Chocolate, steamed veggie BBQ buns, Bubble Tea, potato chips, oven fries, licorice, and full-fat tartare dressing on my salad. But they have all been in moderate, normal amounts and teamed with all the 'healthy' foods I really do love but was beginning to despise.
My calorie intake has naturally fallen to around 1,800 - 1,900 calories a day, instead of the 2,200 I calculated in the Nutrition Guide Book.
I feel like I can breath again...
So why am I here, complaining to all of you about this? Let's face it, in the grand scheme of things, my problems are almost laughable when compare to many, many people out there who are struggling with serious health, financial and/or family issues.
I am writing because as I try to re-discover the happiness and equilibrium in my life and this weight loss journey, I may not be writing as much, and certainly not about weigh ins and weight loss. I am, as yet ,undecided but I am leaning towards putting the scales away indefinitely. And I find that the feeling of 'having to' check in on the blog each week with a number from the scales is placing more pressure on me and not helping to foster a healthy mind frame.
There will be no more 'challenges', there will be no more 'plans'. I have had my fill and learnt that they bring nothing but negative feelings for me. I don't think I will ever be able to shake the idea that 77kg is an 'ultimate goal' but I refuse to get there in this way. I cannot take another day where food and eating is all that fills my mind from the moment I wake up until I go to bed.
I am excited to write about training for the half-marathon, continuing my strength training (sans the regimented attitude that the FFJ Plan has brought with it) and life in general. I am also looking forward to getting back to reading all of your blogs, which I have been doing little of due to my poor attitude.
For anyone that is still reading this post, and will continue to read the blog from this point onwards, I thank you for all of your support, it means the world to me!
Here's to moving forward, learning from our mistakes, and being the best we can be everyday.
xo
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