The Queen (Part 1)

I am the Queen of the quick fix. My impatient nature means that if I want something done I want it now!

In the starting days of weight loss everything tends to come easily, especially if your journey starts at a weight as grand as mine was. Back then the number of calories my body required just to function each day (my BMR or basal metabolic rate) was somewhere around 2,200.

These days, 3 years and 50kgs later, that figure is closer to 1,700 calories per day. Unfortunately most days it is hard for my greedy inner demons to accept that I need a lot less food. Let's face it, in order for me to get to 142 kg to start with I had to be pretty fond of food at that is something that is still as true today as it was back then.

I still have over 14kg to go before I have a healthy BMI and maybe even further until I reach a weight that I am happy with. I want desperately for each week to be a 'success' and at the moment for me a success is a reduction in the number on the scale. I feel completely at the mercy of the silver square that lives under my bathroom basin. A day does not pass without me seeking out my 'scale fix' and on a bad day I can be found glaring at the little screen more than once.

My reaction to these daily fluctuations can be mixed. If I see the number going up I will either panic and restrict my eating for the next meal and consequently pig out later. Or, I will throw my hands up and declare that the scales have won for another week and gorge myself straight away.

Now if the scale shows a loss you would think it would yield a different result right? Nu-uh... If I see a loss, more often than not I will decide that's a perfect excuse for a reward! And what is a better reward than food right?

The reactions all differ but the food is constant and the eventual aftermath is always the same. The guilt eats away at me until I yield to it. Whether it be later that day or the next morning I am overwhelmed by the desire to 'fix' what I have done. A healthier reaction might be to sensibly cut back on my food intake for the next day or so... But for me that seems like unnecessary and drawn out torture. I am the Queen of the quick fix so my chosen solution? Exercise. Enough for me to feel like I have made some kind of dent in the damage I have done, even if I have already done my planned exercise for the day.

I spent 90 minutes on the exercise bike today in order to satisfy the nagging feeling inside me. I burnt nearly 1,000 calories but I still feel like I haven't undone the damage I did by eating hot cross buns and drinking chocolate soy milk. If my butt wasn't so numb from the bike seat I would probably still be on there!

I guess this was why I was so distraught when I realised I couldn't run. Nothing beats running for efficient calorie smashing. Not only was I not going to be able to run for at least two weeks but how long was it going to take me to work up to being able to run for an hour again once my foot was fixed!?

Most of my food damage seems to be done on the weekend when I feel like I still have the entire work week to make up for it. But I don't want to spend the next five days busting my ass! I want to be able to eat sensibly everyday and feel good about most, if not all, my choices. I want to be able to occasionally have a piece of cake or some potato chips without being a guilt-ridden mess about it until copious amounts of exercise takes the feeling away. I want to be done with my 'fat' brain and replace it with a 'normal' one. Is there such a thing?

I really worry if I am this neurotic and illogical about losing the remaining kilos what hope do I have for successfully maintaining the loss. This Queen has a lot of learning and a lot of soul searching left to do...